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The Chewbacca Defense is Used in Court - SOUTH PARK
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"Chef Aid" S02
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INT. CARTMAN’S HOUSE - DAY
The boys are all sitting on Cartman’s couch watching TV
ANGLE - TELEVISION
A news reporter stands in front of the courthouse.
NEWS REPORTER
And so on this fifteenth day of what
is considered to be the most important
trial of the... day... Johnnie Cochran
has appeared to defend Capitalist
Records. The question now is... Will
Cochran use his famous Chewbacca
defense?
ANGLE - BOYS
CARTMAN
What’s a Chewbacca defense?
KYLE
I don’t know.
STAN
That’s what Cochran used in the O.J. Simpson trial.
CARTMAN
God damn I hate that Cochran guy. If
he was here in front of me I’d be like
‘AY! YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!! YOU --
I BET -- HOW’D YOU LIKE ME TO KICK YOU
IN THE NUTS?!’
KYLE
(Eating)
I’m sure that would scare the hell out
of him, Cartman.
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Kyle’s dad is pacing back and forth in front of the jury.
KYLE’S DAD
And so, in summation, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury. You’ve heard
the version of my client’s song
recorded over twenty years ago, you’ve
heard the EXACT SAME song produced by
these cheats in the past month.
I’d say it’s pretty much an open and
shut case. Make the right decision.
Thank you.
One jury guy claps. Kyle’s dad sits back down next to
Chef.
KYLE’S DAD
We’ve got ‘em.
Chef smiles.
JUDGE
Mr. Johnnie Cochran, your closing
arguments?
Cocharan gets up from his seat and starts pacing.
JOHNNIE COCHRAN
Ladies and gentlemen of the SUPPOSED
jury... Chef’s attorney would
certainly want you to believe that his
client wrote “Stinky Britches” ten
years ago. And they make a good case.
Hell, I almost felt pity myself!
The jury listens, intrigued.
JOHNNIE COCHRAN (cont’d)
But ladies and gentlemen of this
supposed jury... I have one final
thing I want you to consider...
Cochran pulls down a chart with a picture of Chewbacca.
JOHNNIE COCHRAN (cont’d)
Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is
CHEWbacca. Chewbacca is a wookie from
the planet Kashyyk. But Chewbacca
LIVES on the planet ENDOR... Now think
about that... That DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!
The jury looks confused.
KYLE’S DAD
Dammit!
CHEF
What?
KYLE’S DAD
He’s using the Chewbacca defense!
JOHNNIE COCHRAN (cont’d)
Why would a Wookie, an EIGHT FOOT TALL
Wookie want to live on endor with a
bunch of two foot tall Ewoks? THAT
DOES not MAKE SENSE!
A murmur goes through the jury.
JOHNNIE COCHRAN (cont’d)
But MORE importantly, you have to ask
yourself ‘What does this have to do
with this case’? NOTHING. Ladies and
gentlemen it has NOTHING to do with
this case. IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.
Now Cochran paces in front of the jury.
JOHNNIE COCHRAN (cont’d)
Look at me, I’m a lawyer defending a
major record company and I’m talking
about Chewbacca! Does that make sense?
Ladies and gentlemen, I AM NOT MAKING
ANY SENSE! NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
Now he pauses.
JOHNNIE COCHRAN (cont’d)
And so you have to remember, when
you’re in that jury room deliberatin
and conjugatin the emancipation
proclamation -- Does it make sense?
No. Ladies and gentlemen of this
supposed jury, it does NOT MAKE SENSE.
If Chewbacca lives on Endor YOU MUST
ACQUIT. The defense rests.
Cochran returns to his seat.
JUDGE
O...kay then.
INT. CARTMAN’S HOUSE - DAY
The boys are still watching TV on the couch.
CARTMAN
Wow... he’s good.
EXT. SOUTH PARK COURTHOUSE - DAY
A newsreporter is standing on the courthouse steps with a
microphone. On the TV we see images of artists
renderings from the case.
NEWS REPORTER
In a teary eyed courtroom, Johnnie
Cochran has just finished his closing
arguments. And as was anticipated, he
did use the Chewbacca defense. Whether
or not it worked, is up to the jury to
decide.
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
The judge is reading the verdict. The courtroom is
silent.
JUDGE
How find you the jury.
JURYGUY
We find the defendant, Jerome Chef
McElroy... GUILTY as charged.
The people in the courtroom gasp.
KYLE’S DAD
Whoops.
CHEF
Whoops!?
JUDGE
Mr. Chef, you have been found guilty
of Harassing a major record label. The
full fee of $2 million will
be handed over within 24 hours.
CHEF
Do I look like I have $2 million?!
JUDGE
Well, you have 24 hours to find it, or
else you’ll have to go to jail... For 8 million YEARS!!!
Dramatic MUSIC sting. Chef’s jaw drops.
The foreman walks over and whispers in the judges ear.
FOREMAN
(Whispering)
It’s actually for four years.
JUDGE
Oh, sorry. You’ll go to jail for 4 years.
Chef plops down in his seat.
CHEF
This can’t be happening!
INT. CARTMAN’S HOUSE - DAY
The boys are all open mouthed on Cartman’s couch.
STAN
Oh no, dude. Chef’s gonna go to jail.